4 months of silence here, and things have changed.
i struggle with my faith, although God has been unwavering. i’ve been blessed with many of His graces, and each time He provides, i fall on my knees and marvel at His mercy. what have i done to merit His abounding grace???
so many things have happened since my last entry. i fell really hard, in my anguish, i turned away from Him and relied on myself to cope. mutilating the self drowned me in shame. yet i didn’t know how i’d surrender my pain to Him. i questioned if He could make it better- this life of physical and psychological pain. walking away from Him and relying on my maladaptive ways was me believing that i could make it better, because He can’t. but i’m so wrong!!!
i’ve served in Treasure 4, and i am extremely grateful for the fellowship of the service team. He blessed me so much that i could give without seeking to receive. and at the end of it, was the dawn of community life with Sinners. He works in His glorious ways, that i don’t think i could ever comprehend.
in the Prayer Experience Retreat, i asked God in my writings about the suffering i go through. He spoke, and i want to hold on to His Word that all of this is for His purpose, and for mine to grow in His enduring love.
29 August 2015
“Dear child, have faith.
Remember how I told you that out of darkness comes great glory? Would i take delight if this great glory you enter is for your own purpose? Remember, I gave these gifts of sufferings to you, not to plainly make you suffer. You already know that through your pain you can help others. So what is this great glory that comes after your darkness?
Take courage in yourself, but also in Me. Those whispers you heard calling you to the religious life, don’t ignore them. Embrace them. Walk towards that light, and in time to come, you shall take that first step. You heard me. I called you by name. There is no denying, no hiding. Bask in my love for you. Abandon all worldly things, for they don’t sustain you. See how they sadden you, dear child. I am more than sufficient for you. Rest in Me. But also be my instrument. Let Me work through you, oh sweet child.
Do not doubt my will for you. Nor should you doubt My love for you, and your worthiness. I love you so very much. Devote yourself to Me, even in your broken self. You are more loveable when you are broken, so never resent it. For you, so broken, are perfect in My sight. Follow Me, dear child, and serve My people like you always asked.”
30 August 2015
“Dear child, you long to love and be loved.
I am giving you this tender heart of flesh to renew you, that you may go forth to love freely. Why do you doubt? With Me all things are possible. Remember there is no one on earth that you can truly please. Stay vulnerable, for when you are, then you can give freely, and also receive from others by My grace. Your vulnerability is not a burden. It makes you child-like, more precious. People will fail you, but I will not. People will judge you, but I will not. So yes being vulnerable can be difficult. But consider it a test. That out of it you’ll grow more into My likeness. Remember that an open heart of flesh can readily receive gifts from the Heaven and Holy Spirit. And it can also freely give. Do not be afraid. People will hurt you, but you are meant for greater things. Trust in Me. Lean on Me. Lie in <y embrace, whenever you are fearful. And I will comfort you.”
i continue to fight to turn towards Him, and to always want to choose Him first. and i hope that one day, i can abandon all my fears and surrender to Him wholly.
“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be still.”
– Exodus 14:14
Unspeakable Joy 